'How to get mugged off in Thailand, for dummies' by Katharine Weaver, Nicola Helm and Lisa McDonald

ooh la la je suis francaise! Moi avec Lisa's wardrobe

We thought we were getting a bit more streetwise to these sly thais who would sooner take you to their cousins dress shop than to the hospital, even if your leg was hanging off, and on fire. We thought we would start our new frame of mind as we moved from Bangkok up North to Chiang Mai. We hadn't even left the airport before they were trying it on. The distance between the two cities is like London to Manchester, and somehow, quite amazingly, they managed to lose my bag. Better still they had no idea where it was. After much form filling out and lost in translation moments and we decided to go to our hotel..the Royal Lanna (that's 'Loyal Ranna' to all our Thai speakers), which is pretty good esp as its next to McDonalds and Starbucks, haha! We asked the receptionists there to call the airline and find out whats going on as their Thai is probably better than ours. So they called about 3 times and didn't say much. Then they said the bag was on its way. Then nothing...for hours. The receptionists fobbed us off as hard as they could, and then just said the airport was shut (at 8pm) and don't bother them until the morning. Oh and all the calls they have made are being charged to our room. We ever so politely told the young lady where she could stick it, and got in some weird van/taxi driven by a husband/wife combo and went back to the airport. We found a mass of lost bags in there but not my beast, so I decided to shout at some Thai, creating a little bit of a scene, and Nicola then dicussed it over with some guy from the airline. Well I don't know what Nicola said but she got some guy called 'Nit's own personal mobile number and the promise that we would get it back asap, I think he was after some no strings attached coffee. The next morning I dressed myself up in Lisa's clothes and looked like some French sailor, but then we get a call that the bag had been found. We got it back, a bit battered, but all in one piece!

McDonald's....our saviour!!!

Bangkok bowers

Who's your mate?

A few days of close calls with dodgy food and 'ooh that's actually really hot' kinda spicy dishes, we gave in and went to Maccy D's. We were pleased to find however that all extra value meals aka 'set's were only about a quid, and they even had this monster of a big mac with 4 burgers....4 people, 4! Of course, the Thai's couldn't resist tarnishing it with their 'Thainess' and outside they have a statue of Ronald McDonald. Bowing. They know how to ruin everything!

Bangkok chick boys!

This, children, is a lady boy

Possibly the most anticipated part of the trip so far. The lady boys. We headed to the infamous red light district to search out some treats that only Bangkok can offer. We did find a few of the lady boys, but that was the least disturbing part. We’d be in any restaurant and we’d be greeted by a male (usually Yank or German) with a Thai lady companion. Oh dear. Then on the next table there is a Western male, with a Thai boy. Yes, I said Thai boy. As in 2 boys. You do the math. After that we took in a few shows under the promise of some ‘man action’. We go in and we’re searching for another female. Not a single lady in there besides our innocent threesome. We were inundated with middle-aging- still-in-the-closet-gay-men though! Yes people, it was a gay club. It was horrific. They did bad things, bad things that left me mute for the night, left Lisa wondering about the angles of it all, and Nicola simply wondering ‘did it hurt?’. We then fled to a lady bar to see some pretty ropey females on the stage, not even hiding their boredom, one even checking their watch at one point, but at least we saw some ping pong action. And that is what we came to Bangkok for.

Floating Market! The Thais have a twist on everything!

The floating market, roll up roll up, crap for sale

Us at the river Kwai

Bridge over the river Kwai

Before the savage boat attack

We signed up for a trip and went along to some floating markets….I guess it’s a bit like a poor version of Venice, except everyone carries their whole sodding house in a boat and they try and flog it to you with such winning lines as ‘MANGO’, or ‘hello madam, you like?’. Err no, I don’t. The highlight was a mini traffic jam resulting in a boat ramming into ours and the front of theirs being thrust above our heads, almost knocking out Nicola, reversing, then ramming into the boat next to us just for good effect! We also went to the River Kwai and to a museum about it and the Prisoners of War that built the bridge there.

Welcome to Bangkok, aka how to get mugged off

Nicola and I, giant standing Buddha

Anyone else seeing a tin can on wheels?

This was the closest we got to the Palace, it was the greatest back entrance to a palace I've ever seen

Lisa and Nic 'enjoying' their Tuk Tuk ride

Arriving in Bangkok was a bit of a culture shock I won’t lie. I guess I was a bit ignorant but when we arrived I was surprised to find the country was extremely developed in some places and, thank god, they had been graced with the presence of McDonalds, KFC, Burger King and even Tesco for some reason! Although all was not as it seemed and the differences seemed to show! We got to Siam Beverly (or siam bewery if you are thai) and were greeted by many bows and random Thai greetings which could have been telling us ‘welcome, we are going to try to rip you off as much as we can!’. We were harassed straight away by Mr Bellboy 2007 who, in quest for a tip, didn’t get the hint that we were Brits and therefore don’t do it, and proceeded to turn the hair dryer off and on and show us the wonderful features of a cardboard sign in our room advertising laundry and Thai massage. We fobbed him off with a whopping 60 Baht (about a quid, yes, we were robbed). I guess we can’t complain given that we are only paying £7 each per night in a pretty nice hotel.On our first day in Bangkok we decided to go to the Grand Palace, one of the main features in Thailand for their much loved King! On the way there they were all trying it on with us, trying to rip us off for taxis but we thought we were sly by taking their fancy subway, which costs about 50p a ride. When we got off we were met by some Thai chick talking about going on a tour, so we followed her to her office and booked a trip with ‘Simon’ aka ‘Nok’. Then things took a turn for the worse… he wondered if we were interested in seeing some dress shops, for a made to measure outfit that they make for you. No doubt the owner was his brother’s wife’s sister’s Dad, but we went in regardless. After that we were told that we couldn’t even get into the palace because our clothes weren’t suitable, so we were offered a ‘tuk tuk’ (a tin can on wheels driven by a sly looking Thai with a fancy haircut, you know what I mean) to take you round the city to all the attractions including a giant standing Buddha for 30 baht (about 1p or something stupid). 1p wouldn’t even allow you to sit in a black cab in the UK so we jumped at the chance! In between each attraction we get taken to a dress shop, oh and then to a jewellery shop, a pattern is forming! It turns out the tuk tuk drivers get commission in the form of fuel so tonnes of unwitting tourists get thrown into these dress shops against their will. End of the day… 2 dress shops, 1 jewellery shop, no Palace, and 3 very annoyed girls!

Introductions first!

Hopefully everyone knows me, but I have some travel buddies and give them a little intro. First of all is Nicola, who is with me for the whole trip, who I met whilst working in the Med last summer as we shared the pain of working for Mark Warner, and hails from glorious Gravesend. Along with us for 2 weeks is my mate from school, Lisa, who is my oldest friend and has shared the trauma of a week in the world’s worst resort ever* in Majorca with me, so is ready for the perils of Thailand!

*official